I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone that is still
following my progress on this site. For every one that has been with me
ever since my first post, and for all the new people I have met along
the way. It has been an emotional journey, full of medical jargon, weird
tests and unclear results. To know that people would take time out of a
busy day to read up to find out how I am doing fills my heart. Thank
you so much for your continued strength and prayers to get me through
everyday.
My swallow study results came back. The study showed
that I am still pooling liquid in my valleculae which then spilled into
my periform sinuses. It showed that even with a small amount of liquid I
do a complicated set of mathematical equations and push a certain
amount back and swallow multiple times to clear the liquid. However
during this study there were no laryngeal penetration or tracheal
aspiration.
The plan is to give me "thin puree" (rice cereal) on
a spoon to get me used to texture, utensils, and practice so my mouth
is more organized. It is still deemed "unsafe" for any oral feeding as I
am still at risk for aspiration, however I haven't got sick or
developed pneumonia from my trials before, so this is my reward. My
mommy, grandma and daddy have been very patient with me as I have gotten
very good at protecting my mouth and tongue. I don't mind the taste or
texture once it's in my mouth however I haven't come to understand the
object/food relationship. I just don't want anything near my mouth that I
can't control.
My mommy and grandma took me to get my 6 month
eye check up at my daddy's optometrist office. Since it may turn out
that I have a mitochondrial disorder it is very important for the
doctors to keep an 'eye' on me as eye disorders are a common symptom of
mitochondrial myopathy. I was checked out by 2 doctors to make sure
nothing was abnormal. I have medically and cosmetically perfect eyes...
so far.. I will need to be rechecked in 6 months rather than the
standard 1 year.
Mommy took me to see the Grand River Hospital
outpatient dietician to get me weighed as I have been still increasing
quickly in size. I was weighed in at 8.57kg which translates to 18g /
day over the past 2 weeks. Before we change anything about my feeding I
will be weighed again next Friday as I am starting to slow down a bit.
We think that it is due to my pukes every morning as my parents haven't
been replacing what I lost every day. If I'm still gaining over the norm
we will need to adjust my feeds. This dietician believes that my
morning puking episodes are attributed to my reflux, as it's not
uncommon for reflux victims to puke up mucus every morning. Ewww yay
reflux!
This past Wednesday night my mommy and grandma took me
swimming for the very first time! Kidsability has a therapuetic pool at
their Waterloo location. It is kept at 92 degrees and can hold a maximum
of 20 people. I was very busy observing EVERYTHING, in, around and
above the pool to notice that I was actually in a pool. I wiggled my
legs and splashed a few times, all in all I would say I did very well
for my first time! We stayed in for 35 minutes until my mommy said it
was time to get out because her hands were getting wrinkly! I have added
a few pictures to my photos!
Lastly, I was assessed by infant
development on Friday. They do not do percentiles or percentages for 6
months. There are 6 basic yes or no questions in each category. Scored
10 points for a yes and 0 points for a no, 5 points for sometimes.
Here's how I stacked up at my assessment:
Communication: 50/60
Gross Motor Skills: (control of the large muscles of the body) 25/60
Fine Motor Skills: (control the smaller muscles of the body) 60/60
Problem Solving: 60/60
Personal-Social skills: 50/60
My next assessment will be done when I am 8 months old.
I
would also like to thank my grandma who has given my parents the
opportunity to go out for dinner sans me twice in 2 weeks! It's only
been a few hours but they greatly appreciate the time to themselves.
My
mommy wants me to add that she is very proud of my sitting progress. I
am considered ahead! Me Ethan! Ahead on something! I have been sitting
propped on my arms for a while now and have just started to make the
adjustment to sitting by myself with my arms free shaking a toy! A few
more days and I'll be there!
My daddy wants to mention that as of
right this minute I seem to understand "High Five" and I smack his
hand. Or maybe it's just because I have this hand in front of my face!
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Halloween Update
I am still puking every morning at my 6am feeding. Mommy was worried about me as I am being fed less than my required amount of calories AND I am puking up. As you remember my doctor believes that it is due to my increased calorie count that I am stabilizing. So less calories means yucky blood chemistry numbers.
Mommy took me to the GRH outpatient clinic to get my blood work last Monday. The nurses informed us that they can not do scalp veins any more as I am older and they start to disappear. So here comes Mr. Tourniquet! The first lady couldn't find any veins, so they called up a second lady. She has done me before without too much horror, albeit when I was much littler than I am now. She found ONE vein in my arms. ONE, well here goes all or nothing.
Results:
pH: 7.37
Bicarb: 23
Lac: 1.8
Weight: 8.39 kg
Hmmm... what? I don't get it either folks! Mommy thinks that maybe I am getting way too much food in the first place because I've been gaining like a beast! I am supposed to be gaining 10-13 g / day and the last 2 weeks I've gained 27g / day. Phone call to my dietician.
Hmmmm what? She says that I'm actually taking less now than an infant my age is supposed to and I'm still gaining twice the amount. Mommy's taking me in to be weighed again on Wednesday. It's all mathematics and science....
Daddy called Mac and found out that my ECHO results were normal.
We're also still waiting for my Barium Swallow Test results to be sent to us. Hopefully they will arrive in the mail this week. In the meantime as a reward for not getting pneumonia , I have started on a few spoons a day of rice cereal. Apparently the results of the swallow test were still not great, however the consistency of rice cereal has been deemed the lesser of the evils for me.
Infant Development will be assessing me on Friday to see where my development percentile is for 6 months. Cathy my physio did a preliminary assessment of just my gross motor skills last week and scored me at just under the 25th percentile. We'll see how my other skills stack up!
Check out my Halloween costumes!
 |
| I did not like this one! |
 |
| So I wore my pajamas instead! |
Friday, 14 October 2011
ECHO #2
Yesterday morning was my follow up ECHO. As you are aware the intention
was to sedate me. I would need to go to the OR to receive an IV line as
it is hard to find veins on me now, and also I was to be admitted in the
hospital for at least an overnight stay to monitor my blood chemistry,
as I do not do well on IV fluids. However the cardiologist thought that
all this was unnecessary since I wasn't even going in for surgery, and
informed my mommy that she will try to conduct the ECHO without sedating
me. This will be particularly tricky as there are 2 main reasons why
they use sedation for this procedure. The patient needs to be very
still during an ECHO to get accurate results, and last time I checked, I
don't understand the "stay still" command yet.
Mommy's plan was to try to keep me up for the car ride to Mac, and therefore I would sleep during the hour long procedure. Grandma was supposed to visit my GreatGrandma that day, but she loves me so much she offered to come along to make sure I was fed and to keep me awake as mommy had to drive.
As soon as the wheels started to roll on the car I was out like a light and didn't wake up until I could see the McMaster sign on the hospital building. Was there a plan B? Unfortunately not.
The lady that was conducting the ECHO on me, was named Rose, she weighed me in at 8.12kg and kept calling me "big boy" to my mommy's dismay. She commented on my last ECHO that the report indicated "baby cried through the entire procedure". Great.....
I was laid down on the hospital
bed, she put a few "purple heart" stickers on me to monitor my vitals
and squirted some cold sticky gel on me. She calmed me by telling me it
was just like having a massage and that people usually pay big bucks.
She let me listen to my heart beat a few times and I got to look at the
screen and view my heart, which was pretty awesome.
I was a very
good boy and laid as still as I could for almost the whole procedure, I
only got fussy for the last 5 minutes. Rose said I was done and that
she will give the information and pictures to the main cardiologist who
looks at the results that day and submits a report to my doctors in 7-10
days.
Mommy's plan was to try to keep me up for the car ride to Mac, and therefore I would sleep during the hour long procedure. Grandma was supposed to visit my GreatGrandma that day, but she loves me so much she offered to come along to make sure I was fed and to keep me awake as mommy had to drive.
As soon as the wheels started to roll on the car I was out like a light and didn't wake up until I could see the McMaster sign on the hospital building. Was there a plan B? Unfortunately not.
The lady that was conducting the ECHO on me, was named Rose, she weighed me in at 8.12kg and kept calling me "big boy" to my mommy's dismay. She commented on my last ECHO that the report indicated "baby cried through the entire procedure". Great.....
I was laid down on the hospital
bed, she put a few "purple heart" stickers on me to monitor my vitals
and squirted some cold sticky gel on me. She calmed me by telling me it
was just like having a massage and that people usually pay big bucks.
She let me listen to my heart beat a few times and I got to look at the
screen and view my heart, which was pretty awesome.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Mac
 |
| I fit a bit better this time |
Enter Friday..... I was strapped into the "drop zone" chair for the second time in my life. Mommy was instructed to put one of the bottles in my mouth. It felt foreign and the barium inside was chaulky and horrible. I didn't drink any thing. So they moved on to the syringe. Still horrible, I spit everything out and I started to scream. They moved to pureed formula and it was equally gross with the barium in it. Kate came out and told mommy and I that the test was done. They were not sure what they saw, as there was minimal data, however Kate was not hopeful in what she thought she saw. She told us that she would review the video again and come up with a plan that would be safe for me and let my therapists know how to proceed.
My parents and I received an invitation for my buddy Emerson's dedication which was being held on Sunday. We joined them in Grimsby at their family church for the ceremony. His parents gave a heart filled speech about Emer and also included me and my parents in their prayers. My parents teared up as they knew this day was supposed to be special for Emerson, yet they graciously included our family. We finally got to meet all the people at the church that have been endlessly praying for me and my parents. It was so nice to meet you all and we continue to thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
We were invited back to Heather and Paul Robertsons to view their "Medical Oasis" or othewise known as "The Roberson's Medical Facility". The Robertsons are a family we met through the Rutledges at Mac. They have 2 children with mitochondrial disorder and Heather also deals with this disorder as well. They have been a support and endless knowledge for us, we would be even more lost without their guidance. They bestowed upon us an early thanksgiving gift. Boxes of syringes and medical supplies! Who would have thought medical supplies could elicit such excitement!
We headed to the Rutledge palace for company and pizza. We have only known the Rutledges for a short 5 months, yet we feel like we have become part of their family. We have been down winding yet parallel roads. We have been shoulders for each other through pain and sadness. We have been each others light when all that remained in the dark of the 2 am hospital room was a glimmer of hope. We have shared meals and games of cards in the midst of all the medical mayhem we were put through during our time at Mac. We share the same worries and uncertainties. We know they just get it without having to speak a word.
Monday we headed yet again to Mac, this time for a pre-op assessment with an anesthetist. Mariya has ordered a follow up ECHO. I received my first echo at 6 days old and everything was normal. However, if I do have a mitochondrial disorder my heart may have become enlarged since last time. My parents are worried that I will have to be sedated as cardiology has ordered a sedated ECHO since I am an infant. My parents are extremely worried as I do not do well with IV fluids, so the anesthetist will recommend that I am admitted for at least one day for observation after my ECHO. This information did nothing to ease my parents concerns....
We met Mariya and Amy for my metabolic clinic.
She explained my case to her student resident and disclosed my admission blood work numbers that had caused her to run me through the hospital full speed to the ER.
pH:7.00
Lac: 12.6
Now many of you should remember me mentioning in a previous post that Mariya explained that with a pH of 7.0 cells shut down and do not come back from being that acidic. This is why she told my parents that if I hadn't been at the hospital on that Friday I would have passed away in my crib Saturday morning. She went on to explain that for weeks I did not respond to any treatments and my prognosis looked grim, however one day I just turned around for what seemed like no apparent reason. For this I am her love.
Mariya was upset to find out that cardiology planned to sedate me. She said that she didn't want the mask to go over me, that it wasn't necessary. She said that hopefully she can call in a favour and see if the cardiologist will either conduct it without sedation, as she is just looking for the enlargement and doesn't need to be complex, or if there is something they can give me so I can just sleep for a little bit and not knock me out. So we'll see what she can strum up. She also said that she doesn't want to keep poking me unnecessarily, so my blood work has been changed to "whenever my parents or doctor think it's necessary". I love her more and more every time I see her! She lectured my parents to make sure they make time for just the two of them, she said she doesn't care how they do it, but they must. They explained that it's hard to get care for me as they can't just call up the neighbourhood baby sitter.
Mariya was watching me play with my daddy, and said she was happy with my progress and I will come back to see her before she goes on christmas vacation. She was still saddened that I did not smile at her, however mommy explained that I am starting to be fearful of strangers. Amy said that it was good and it was what I am supposed to do at my age.
The skin tests are not back, as they had to thaw more of my skin to confirm the "unusual results" the lab thinks they found in the initial testing. Mariya is hoping they tell her something soon, and will let us know as soon as they come back.
We are really glad to have her as my doctor, she has been such an advocate for me and her ability to act quickly and think outside of the medical box has saved my life numerous times.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Blood Work
I had been puking since last Sunday, but hadn't been showing any other
symptoms. So mommy called my pediatrician on Wednesday. The Dr. told her
to take me to the hospital outpatient clinic where an on-call
pediatrician would see me. So along with grandma we packed up and headed
out.
Surprise, surprise! Blood work had been ordered! 3 nurses and 40 minutes later I was screaming my head off, turning red and sweaty, and I was trying to get mommy to save me, but nothing I did could make her. The nurses got nothing. I was finally picked up and given to mommy so I could calm down, I was trying but they kept checking my head for veins. They then tried looking for veins in my arms and foot, I had 3 tourniquets on me and 3 heating pads, all the while I just kept screaming I was so scared! They called an IV nurse who apparently is "really good", however she's the one who stabbed me multiple times before and didn't get anything but me screaming bloody murder.
She used the touniquet on my arms and legs, at this point I was beside myself with fear, my arms and legs were bruised and purple, and my head hurt. Suddenly I heard "Can I just take him home!" My mommy. The IV nurse looked at her and said "So you're refusing then!?" and mommy looked at her and said "I guess I am." The IV nurse got in such a huff and yelled at the other nurse "So I can leave then!" and then had some choice words outside with the nurse about my mommy. I don't care what they said, I just get to get away from this massacre.
The on-call pediatrician came in and said "I hear that you want to leave". Mommy explained that since I've been screaming for 50 minutes and not calming down the results will be elevated anyway, and won't determine if they are high because I am sick or because I am worked up, and that we will try again tomorrow. He said "I guess you're not too concerned about him then." I looked at mommy and could see the rage in her eyes, this man is lucky he was scrunched as far away from us as possible in the room, or he would have been put through the wall. He then tried to crack my undiagnosed case, by asking if my parents were healthy? were they related? Oh yes doctor... I think you got it! Sorry I get my sarcasm from mommy... Of course they are not related and the answer hasn't changed from the first million times they have been asked.
Enter Friday..... (my 5 month birthday)
2
pokes later, although they both fell out causing my blood to spurt
everywhere, they had enough for my lactate, but not enough for the blood
gases, but ran them anyway
pH: 7.52
bicarb: 19
(These results don't make sense)
Lac: 1.8 (my best since I've been home!)
Mommy used some of her fantastic powers of deduction and came to the conclusion that I am puking due to my omeprozole suspension. Turns out the pharmacy used generic tablets instead of my regular capsules.. Since she got them to make it again on Thursday I haven't puked! Here's hoping that that was the cause!
Mariya informed mommy that the lab is redoing my skin test. Who knows how long this will take. Mariya said that it's been difficult to get the results from them... meaning they will tell her nothing.
I think the results are:
1) something they haven't found before
or
2) Serious
or
3) both
However I seem to be doing well considering my history. We're hoping they have some sort of explanation soon.
Surprise, surprise! Blood work had been ordered! 3 nurses and 40 minutes later I was screaming my head off, turning red and sweaty, and I was trying to get mommy to save me, but nothing I did could make her. The nurses got nothing. I was finally picked up and given to mommy so I could calm down, I was trying but they kept checking my head for veins. They then tried looking for veins in my arms and foot, I had 3 tourniquets on me and 3 heating pads, all the while I just kept screaming I was so scared! They called an IV nurse who apparently is "really good", however she's the one who stabbed me multiple times before and didn't get anything but me screaming bloody murder.
She used the touniquet on my arms and legs, at this point I was beside myself with fear, my arms and legs were bruised and purple, and my head hurt. Suddenly I heard "Can I just take him home!" My mommy. The IV nurse looked at her and said "So you're refusing then!?" and mommy looked at her and said "I guess I am." The IV nurse got in such a huff and yelled at the other nurse "So I can leave then!" and then had some choice words outside with the nurse about my mommy. I don't care what they said, I just get to get away from this massacre.
The on-call pediatrician came in and said "I hear that you want to leave". Mommy explained that since I've been screaming for 50 minutes and not calming down the results will be elevated anyway, and won't determine if they are high because I am sick or because I am worked up, and that we will try again tomorrow. He said "I guess you're not too concerned about him then." I looked at mommy and could see the rage in her eyes, this man is lucky he was scrunched as far away from us as possible in the room, or he would have been put through the wall. He then tried to crack my undiagnosed case, by asking if my parents were healthy? were they related? Oh yes doctor... I think you got it! Sorry I get my sarcasm from mommy... Of course they are not related and the answer hasn't changed from the first million times they have been asked.
Enter Friday..... (my 5 month birthday)
 |
| My head pokes! |
pH: 7.52
bicarb: 19
(These results don't make sense)
Lac: 1.8 (my best since I've been home!)
Mommy used some of her fantastic powers of deduction and came to the conclusion that I am puking due to my omeprozole suspension. Turns out the pharmacy used generic tablets instead of my regular capsules.. Since she got them to make it again on Thursday I haven't puked! Here's hoping that that was the cause!
Mariya informed mommy that the lab is redoing my skin test. Who knows how long this will take. Mariya said that it's been difficult to get the results from them... meaning they will tell her nothing.
I think the results are:
1) something they haven't found before
or
2) Serious
or
3) both
However I seem to be doing well considering my history. We're hoping they have some sort of explanation soon.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Dr. T and the Baby Ethan Project
Daddy took the day off and joined mommy and me for my appointment with
Dr. Tarnopolsky at Mac. We got underway with plenty of time to spare,
unfortunately enroute I decided to have my morning poopies. I was thus
changed in the trunk of our volkswagen just off of highway 6.
Soon we arrived at Dr. Taropolsky's office where we sat down to talk about my progress. Dr. T took a few moments to assess me, played with my arms, checked my reflexes and my head control. He said my reflexes were good and my head control was better. He'd planned to set up testing for my nuclear DNA however the funding takes 7 months for approval so he had cancelled this and went with the mtDNA test instead. The results are not back as of yet, but should be within the next couple of weeks.
Dr. T. believes that I show symptoms of reversible COX deficiency. As my preliminary mitochondria test showed that I am only 8% efficient in the 4th stage. He informed us that any one that is that severe should die and not stabilize like I have. However, this particular phenomenon has only ever been recorded twice in the history of medicine. Dr. T informed us that I will likely undergo another muscle biopsy in a years time to see if the percentage has increased.
Mommy asked about the glycogen that was found in my muscle, he said that it isn't unheard of that when the body starts to shut down it starts to store glycogen so it would make sense that there was an increased amount in me. He also mentioned that my symptoms are not consistent with glycogen storage disease. He increased my medicine volumes to coincide with my weight gain. He has taken me off Vitamin C (however my parents think they will keep me on it as it will be good for my immune system). He has also eliminated riboflavin as it is really only good for complex 1. Many of you that have been following me from the beginning know of my turbulent relationship with this vitamin and I am overjoyed to be rid of it! However, he has added vitamin E to my mix, and mommy tells me that it tastes worse than the riboflavin, which she didn't think could ever be possible.
Dr. T cautioned my parents about my weight gain, he is concerned that because I am considered low tone it will be harder for me to move my muscles. This is in direct conflict with my metabolics team who want me to pack on the pounds.
We then decided to visit some old friends at the general peds ward. We ran into my old OT Kate, who told us that she will get in touch with my current speech therapist about trying me on 5mls of formula from a bottle. She thinks its absolutely crazy to keep putting 0.01mls in my mouth... it won't get me too far. We saw our resident from the ICU, Serengy, and my nurses Deb and Janine who were all surprised to see me.
We could not leave until we visited the genetics department so I could see Mariya! She was happy to see me and couldn't wait for a cuddle! She informed us that my skin biopsy results were not back yet. However, the lab had found something interesting in the skin cells, they could not release the results to her yet as apparently they do not understand the results as they don't make sense.... They are not sure if it is due to how the skin cells were cultured or if it is in fact my cells. They are going to hold another meeting and decide what the results mean and possibly ask for another skin biopsy. We should know either way by the time we go to her clinic. Mariya does not believe that I have a mitochondrial disorder and mommy just thinks that I could be an X-Man.
We decided to proceed on to the Welland Staples store to see my friends Dayna and Nicola. They were very excited to meet me in the flesh and had a big present full of soft blankets and stuffies for me. They along with Tish have been working on "The Baby Ethan Project". The project will invite Staples stores to run dress down days for each weekend in October. The purpose of the days will be to spread my story throughout the Staples family and to collect some money to help support my medications, syringes, and other hospital costs. I can't say thank you enough for their efforts, it truly is overwhelming to have their support.
We stayed in the store and played in the copy centre for an hour or so until it was time to eat. We enjoyed the comforts of the store lunchroom and met some more new friends before hopping back in the car and high-tailing it home.
Soon we arrived at Dr. Taropolsky's office where we sat down to talk about my progress. Dr. T took a few moments to assess me, played with my arms, checked my reflexes and my head control. He said my reflexes were good and my head control was better. He'd planned to set up testing for my nuclear DNA however the funding takes 7 months for approval so he had cancelled this and went with the mtDNA test instead. The results are not back as of yet, but should be within the next couple of weeks.
Dr. T. believes that I show symptoms of reversible COX deficiency. As my preliminary mitochondria test showed that I am only 8% efficient in the 4th stage. He informed us that any one that is that severe should die and not stabilize like I have. However, this particular phenomenon has only ever been recorded twice in the history of medicine. Dr. T informed us that I will likely undergo another muscle biopsy in a years time to see if the percentage has increased.
Mommy asked about the glycogen that was found in my muscle, he said that it isn't unheard of that when the body starts to shut down it starts to store glycogen so it would make sense that there was an increased amount in me. He also mentioned that my symptoms are not consistent with glycogen storage disease. He increased my medicine volumes to coincide with my weight gain. He has taken me off Vitamin C (however my parents think they will keep me on it as it will be good for my immune system). He has also eliminated riboflavin as it is really only good for complex 1. Many of you that have been following me from the beginning know of my turbulent relationship with this vitamin and I am overjoyed to be rid of it! However, he has added vitamin E to my mix, and mommy tells me that it tastes worse than the riboflavin, which she didn't think could ever be possible.
Dr. T cautioned my parents about my weight gain, he is concerned that because I am considered low tone it will be harder for me to move my muscles. This is in direct conflict with my metabolics team who want me to pack on the pounds.
We then decided to visit some old friends at the general peds ward. We ran into my old OT Kate, who told us that she will get in touch with my current speech therapist about trying me on 5mls of formula from a bottle. She thinks its absolutely crazy to keep putting 0.01mls in my mouth... it won't get me too far. We saw our resident from the ICU, Serengy, and my nurses Deb and Janine who were all surprised to see me.
We could not leave until we visited the genetics department so I could see Mariya! She was happy to see me and couldn't wait for a cuddle! She informed us that my skin biopsy results were not back yet. However, the lab had found something interesting in the skin cells, they could not release the results to her yet as apparently they do not understand the results as they don't make sense.... They are not sure if it is due to how the skin cells were cultured or if it is in fact my cells. They are going to hold another meeting and decide what the results mean and possibly ask for another skin biopsy. We should know either way by the time we go to her clinic. Mariya does not believe that I have a mitochondrial disorder and mommy just thinks that I could be an X-Man.
We decided to proceed on to the Welland Staples store to see my friends Dayna and Nicola. They were very excited to meet me in the flesh and had a big present full of soft blankets and stuffies for me. They along with Tish have been working on "The Baby Ethan Project". The project will invite Staples stores to run dress down days for each weekend in October. The purpose of the days will be to spread my story throughout the Staples family and to collect some money to help support my medications, syringes, and other hospital costs. I can't say thank you enough for their efforts, it truly is overwhelming to have their support.
We stayed in the store and played in the copy centre for an hour or so until it was time to eat. We enjoyed the comforts of the store lunchroom and met some more new friends before hopping back in the car and high-tailing it home.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
this Morning I Cried...
A poem for Ethan.
This morning as I look upon you,
I do not look with sadness but with overwhelming joy.
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look, you glance back at me,
I see into you, and know that you see back into me.
I see the strength we give each other.
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look upon you, I marvel,
what a curious boy you are, what an innocent face you have,
what a love our family will share.
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look upon you, I laugh,
the smiles and giggles we have shared,
I remember them all, and I know this is only the beginning,
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look, I lay a hand upon you,
you look at me, we don't speak, we simply smile.
Because of this I cry.
I don't cry out of worry, fear, sadness, despair, uncertainty.
I don't cry for the future, or for the hardships in our past.
As I look upon you again, you reach out for a toy,
I do not look with sadness but with overwhelming joy.
Because of this, Ethan, my son, I will not cry.
With all the love a parent can give,
Your Father
This morning as I look upon you,
I do not look with sadness but with overwhelming joy.
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look, you glance back at me,
I see into you, and know that you see back into me.
I see the strength we give each other.
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look upon you, I marvel,
what a curious boy you are, what an innocent face you have,
what a love our family will share.
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look upon you, I laugh,
the smiles and giggles we have shared,
I remember them all, and I know this is only the beginning,
Despite this I cry.
This morning as I look, I lay a hand upon you,
you look at me, we don't speak, we simply smile.
Because of this I cry.
I don't cry out of worry, fear, sadness, despair, uncertainty.
I don't cry for the future, or for the hardships in our past.
As I look upon you again, you reach out for a toy,
I do not look with sadness but with overwhelming joy.
Because of this, Ethan, my son, I will not cry.
With all the love a parent can give,
Your Father
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